SoLiTaiRe

It's the wee hours of saturday morning. 5 am. With last night's indie fest, thursday's flu and the week's medical-surgical mission, i'm all burnt-out. The other fella's just left for Legazpi and the other's are still asleep. Got some med's to take so might as well grab a bite.
The sun's about to get up so the apartment's smoke-filled living room cast a ghostly haze in the air. I smoke despite the killer coughing fits i keep on having. No choice. Can't play the radio yet. Too early.
Last night's gig just wasn't my night. The whole damn place is flooding with beer and i'm the only one who hasn't one. The f*cking flu got me in the worst possible time so i can't have my daily dose of booze. I got a bottled water for my misery and that's just it. Crap. I'm not used to not being under the influence.
So i sit there in the half-light, burning my lungs to death and doing nothing. I spot the playing cards in the table. What the heck? And so i played.
Solitaire. Solitary.
The words fit.
I played. It's frustrating that after a few deals i just can't beat it. a few expletives and more cigarettes charred, i still haven't won the damned game. It's starting to get on my nerves that i can't win the stupid card game so i stopped and dragged a long puff of marlboro. I blew in an exasperated way like i just had a weary run. Then, it entered my mind that i did.
I realized that all my life i was running. And i wasn't getting anywhere. In the game, i wasn't playing against anybody. I was playing against myself.. and luck.
Like the game, i was stuck when my cards run out and my aces are out of reach. Reality-wise it is the same. I'm stuck on the same spot and is not getting anywhere.
The problem with ourselves, we could only solve when we see it in the mirror the way we could only see the dirt under our nose. But with luck, it's another story. It's something beyond our control and the only thing we can do is keeping our fingers crossed.
Solitaire. Solitary.
I never knew it was a self-directed word..